on my mind

About 1 month into our marriage I awoke from a vividly terrifying dream with tears streaming down my face. I think it was the worst dream I have ever experienced and it will be one of those dreams that I never forget.

Let me start by giving you a little back ground on the subject.

Anyone who knew me as a child knows that I have always been the motherly type. Half of the pictures from my childhood involved my holding a baby, stuffed animal, doll, or caring for some sort of animal. Even when I was too young to stay home by myself, I enjoyed helping others care for babies. Once I was able I started babysitting on my own, I enjoyed watching countless children. I got a job at a Day Care and loved every day of it. Even though I had to quit when I moved here, I still miss those kids along with the special little ones that I babysat.

I have always known without a shadow of a doubt that I was meant to be a mom. You know when you are in grade school and everyone writes a paper on what you want to be when you grow up? Some say a teacher, some say a police man, some say an athlete.... well I wanted to be a mom. Others may have giggled at my grown up answer, but I never doubted that that was exactly what I wanted.

My husband and I have been married for just over 3 months now {yey!!} and {while as a kid I planned on already having a baby by now}, we are not planning on having one quite yet. We would love to enjoy our time together as a married couple and not to mention save up our pennies, cuz my goodness they are pricey little bundles of joy.

So anyway, 1 month into our marriage I awoke from a vivid, terrifying, tragic dream. Everything was as real as I have ever felt and there was no one that could have convinced me in that moment that this life was not my own. So here was my dream:

I just stated a new job and was happily learning all there was to my new position {not unlike where I am now in my real life}. I am keeping track of my "monthly cycle"  by a method that allows me to not be on any sort of birth control medication. I will not go into details, but if you want them just send me an e-mail or ask, I am so open about that sort of thing.

One really nice thing about this method of keeping track of my monthly cycle is how when we do get pregnant I will be able to know even before I take a pregnancy test. Well, it turns out an unexpected little peanut started growing and I was shocked. Totally totally shocked! It was not in our plans and I didn't really know how to tell my hubby. We had talked about waiting, but this was not planned. Of course I was excited, but for a short moment I was sort of sad that this wasn't a part of my plans. We live in a 1-bedroom apartment and there is no space for a baby. Contrary to what my husband thinks, we can't just put the bassinet in the closet and call it good.

After the shock wore off, we began to get more & more excited. Of course the Lord was opening doors and things were working out perfectly. Once we told our families there was nothing but excitement along with million of hugs as they expressed how wonderful being a parent is. My dad cried, my sister expressed how she was going to rock at being a godmother.

Brian and I couldn't have been more excited as we counted down the days till our little girl would grace us with her presence. And all in one day our happiness came crashing down.

I think you can imagine what happened next, and it's amazing how even though it was a dream, it's still hard for me to think about. It was even harder as tears streamed down my face when I had to tell Brian why I couldn't stop sobbing in the middle of the night.

Back to reality. Monday morning rolled around and I pulled myself out of bed not wanting to go to work. I had a little pity-party in my head about waking up so early, but headed off to work. As we were all chatting about our weekends, little did we know that one of our co-workers had one of the worst weekends ever.

She was about 13 weeks into her pregnancy when she lost her baby and had to share the tragic news with the whole department, over and over again. We felt so helpless as tears rolled down her {normally so positive} face.

Recently my husband and I were blessed with the privilege of becoming Godparents. We were yet again reminded just how precious a baby's physical & spiritual life is.

Life is so precious whether they are weeks old, or not even born yet. I will never be able to take life for granted because you never know how long you will be blessed with it.

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